How To Get Away With Murder
No signs of a break-in.
An immaculately bleached floor.
A $500,000 life insurance policy taken out on your wife.
What are these signs of, you ask? Well, they’re signs that you’re dealing with an idiot who doesn’t know how to commit a simple murder without getting caught.
I don’t know about you, but I have lost too many hours of my life to crime TV: Forensic Files, 48 Hours, Cold Case Files, Dateline. I’ve been soothed to sleep by the voice of Peter Thomas (FF) and spent many a high school Saturday night being a loser, watching 48 Hours. I’ve seen the same case (The Staircase, anyone?) presented 18 zillion times on each and every crime show. I’ve groaned when I’ve settled in for a night of FF, only to find that I’ve seen every.single.episode. More than once.
What I’m trying to say here is that I’m an expert. I’ve seen and dissected murder scenes so many times that I feel that I deserve an honorary doctorate in Armchair Detectivetry (or something like that) and I wanted to share my expertise with you.
So, in case you are thrust into your very own murder (that you’ve committed), I present to you things that you should NOT do if you want to get away with said murder:
- If your wife goes “missing” do not, I repeat, DO NOT replace the carpeting in your bedroom. This is not a good time for a decor overhaul.
- Please don’t get caught on the Walmart security cam buying the same red duct tape that was found on your victim’s body. See also: shovel, cleaning supplies, rope and/or ax.
- Do not dispose of the body and then dispose of your cigarette butt right next to the body. They can test that shit for DNA, you know?
- If you killed someone in your car, don’t run to the nearest car wash and pay to have your car detailed. No one but a killer drives around in a pristine car. C’mon.
- If you’re going to kill someone in their home, don’t try to make it look like a break-in by busting a window from the inside. Be smart and break it from the outside so the glass is INSIDE the house. This is an amateur mistake and you are no amateur (hopefully).
- Avoid leaving your “murder clothes” in the washer and/or dryer. Who washes ONE outfit at a time, anyway? NO ONE.
- Do not store your freshly purchased cleaning supplies under the sink to be easily found. The least you can do is dump some out of each bottle so it at least LOOKS like you’ve had that bottle of bleach for awhile.
- If you are planning on killing your wife, do not take up with a mistress. The cops will find out about said mistress in 3.5 seconds and the jig will be up.
- If you’re going to use a turkey baster to poison your husband with antifreeze, don’t be a moron. Make sure the turkey baster is at the bottom of the garbage can, not sitting nonchalantly on top for the whole world to see. Better yet, throw it in a random dumpster.
- That last one was a true story.
- If you’re going to “burgle” the house, don’t ransack the drawers, but leave 2.5 million dollars worth of diamond jewelry on the dresser. Steal that shit!
- And for god’s sake, if you are going to stage it to look like a suicide, make sure that the gun “falls” in a direction in which the victim could’ve held onto the gun. If they are left handed, don’t put it by their right hand. *eye roll*
Before I go, if YOU don’t want to get murdered, don’t:
- Be the “All-American girl.” They always get killed.
- Don’t be the “Girl Next Door.” See above.
- Live in a town that is considered to be “a tight knit community” or where you “never have to lock” your doors. These are both the kiss of death (pardon the pun).
- Finally, do NOT have “the perfect marriage.” Perfect marriages always end in bloodshed. ALWAYS.
This is a fairly comprehensive list, but I’m sure I’m forgetting something. What am I forgetting?
I always forget SOMETHING. This is why I would never make a good murderer. For real, I would probably forget the body in the trunk and, well, THE SMELL.