Appreciating the dark side of life since 1975.

Paris: The City of Baguettes, Striped Shirts and Old Sh*t

Striped shirts, baguettes, and smoking cigarettes. A LOT of cigarettes, in fact. The city where every woman looks like they’re walking on a catwalk. Nary a building from this century.

This is what I imagined Paris to be like and it’s exactly what I got. This is what else I’ve gotten so far:

1. Little kids speaking French is ZEE cutest thing ever.

2. I’m concerned about the elevator operator at the Eiffel Tower. On the way to the top (and back down) I couldn’t tell if he was dead or just taking a power nap.

3. People drive like goddamn maniacs here. Stay in your own lane? Nah. Pedestrians crossing? Who cares. Run ’em over. Do you like honking? Paris is for you!

4. When I run into someone speaking English, I force them into being my new best friend. I like to chat and guess what? I don’t speak French.

5. Speaking of being American, it’s kind of embarrassing considering our current state of affairs.

6. Yes, I’ve eaten at McDonald’s twice, once at the Louvre. Hey, I was HANGRY.

7. Why is their coffee so good? In comparison, Starbucks tastes like garbage water that’s been sitting in an aluminum can all day.

8. Not only have I seen the most beautiful women (no make-up, simple ponytails, 100 times the confidence I have), but I’ve also never seen more plastic surgery victims in my life. Slow your roll on those lip injections, girlfriend!

9. I want to be that woman I saw, leisurely leaning out the top window of her castle (okay, it was an apartment, but it LOOKED like a castle), resting her chin on her hand, watching the boats float down the Seine.

10. It is really bizarre to see all of this stuff I’ve seen in books, on TV and in movies my whole life. The glass pyramid at the Louvre, the Venus de Milo, the Mona Lisa and, of course, the Eiffel Tower. I suggest that when a cab drives you by it for the first time, you lose your shit about how big it is. The cab driver will get a good laugh at your expense.

In the coming days, I’ll be checking out the catacombs, Napoleon’s tomb and I’m hell bent on finding the tunnel Princess Diana died in.

Wish me luck!

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